Gender Violence
I recently came across a TED talk that just resonated with me like few things ever have.
The talk was called Gender Violence - It's a Men's Issue. I highly recommend this, especially for anyone that works with people that have been abused, assaulted, or harassed.
I first started thinking about this topic when I noticed that every week, a new story would surface about someone being involved in some type of inappropriate sexual activity. This was happening across all backgrounds and professions, across all socioeconomic statuses, and in all industries.
How could this be happening? Why is this so prevalent? Larry Nassar, Harvey Weinstein, Senator Al Franken, Kevin Spacey, Bill Cosby, Dallas Mavericks, Penn State football.
What is going on in our society and culture? It has to be not just an individual's background, nature, and nurture causing this; it has to be a much bigger cultural and societal problem for it to effect every industry and profession so generally.
I was listening to the radio one day when I had an Ah-Ha moment. The lyrics to this song I was listening to went like this: kiss a little more, think a little less, get you out of this bar, get you out of that dress. These lyrics made me ask a question: are our young men being taught or sent a message that this kind of thinking is OK?
As I was pondering this thought, I remembered two separate instances that happened a few months apart. The first was sitting in the deli at the local grocery store in Salem, Utah. There was a group of high school boys, most dressed in Salem high school uniforms and clothes. They were talking about one specific girl, and some very specific comments were related to how many people she had kissed. and done other things with. The second was another group of high school aged boys in the hot tub at the Rec Center is Springville, Utah. They were talking about much the same thing, but were more explicit, talking about trouble this girl had gotten into, and had gotten other boys into.
This will surprise no one. High school aged boys are talking, dreaming, and fantasizing about sexual situations. That is neither good nor bad, it's biology. The problem is not that they are having these thoughts and talking about them. To try and stop this would be like trying to make the earth reverse its course in orbit. Where the problem lies in in a lack of direction and leadership.
A common sentiment that I hear expressed in the media and in reports is "boys will be boys", followed by "they'll grow out of it" The first is absolutely true, the second is patently false. Let me tell you why.
If the peer culture of any group of people says a particular behavior is acceptable, there is no impetus, drive, or discussion to change that culture. "Boys will be boys" left unchecked and unspoken about will lead to young men will be boys, will lead to men will be boys. What theses youth are taught during their formative years is that that kind of talk - sexually objectifying females, is acceptable. In the absence of contradicting information and teaching, this becomes the accepted norm.
What then happens once a person is seen as an object, or in this case, a young woman is seen as a sex object or plaything? They are treated that way in the form of sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, extramarital affairs. This boys will be boys mentality places our young men on the slippery slope that will lead, and has led to the inappropriate and unacceptable actions of those men listed above, and so many others.
We owe it to our wives and daughters, our friends and neighbors, to do what we can about this.
What can we do.
I believe like Mr. Katz, that this is a leadership issue. I believe that anyone involved with teaching, leading, mentoring, advising, or coaching youth and young men, need to step up and be leaders. I absolutely believe Mr. Katz is spot on - it's a leadership issue. And this leadership must come from men.
So much has been said about the #MeToo movement, and much of it negative. Too many times, when women speak up they are attacked, vilified, demonized, and not believed. Credit must be given to them for their courage and bravery.
But women are not going to change this persistent and pervasive boys will be boys locker room mentality, talk, and culture. Unfortunately, they do not have the clout and credibility in the male cultural realm to effect what is needed. Individual's mothers certainly can have that influence, but on a societal level, they won't have the same influence as men will.
I echo the clarion call of Jackson Katz. Men, stand up and be counted. I know that there are many of you that care, and care deeply about this. Every one of us with daughters cares about this, because none of us want our daughters to suffer gender violence, and to then have to face the sequelae associated with that.
When we as men stand up and speak out that this is not acceptable and this won't be tolerated any longer, the talk will change. When the peer culture stops being complicit in these acts of violence by condoning the vulgar and degrading and objectifying talk, gender violence will begin to be diminished.
What do I mean by complicit and condoning. Edmund Burke said "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Saying nothing sends the message that this is not a problem.
It is a problem, and every man out there needs to step up and speak out and put an end to our current culture that accepts this behavior. Teach our young men, so that when they become fathers, they will teach their sons that there is no place for objectifying females, speaking degradingly or vulgarly about them, and certainly not committing acts of violence against them. Teach them to respect all females as they would their own mothers and sisters. If we men had and kept the thought, how would I want someone to talk about and treat a family member of mine, gender violence would be dramatically reduced.
This is something we can have a tremendous impact with. Will you stand and be counted? Or will you let this evil continue?
The talk was called Gender Violence - It's a Men's Issue. I highly recommend this, especially for anyone that works with people that have been abused, assaulted, or harassed.
I first started thinking about this topic when I noticed that every week, a new story would surface about someone being involved in some type of inappropriate sexual activity. This was happening across all backgrounds and professions, across all socioeconomic statuses, and in all industries.
How could this be happening? Why is this so prevalent? Larry Nassar, Harvey Weinstein, Senator Al Franken, Kevin Spacey, Bill Cosby, Dallas Mavericks, Penn State football.
What is going on in our society and culture? It has to be not just an individual's background, nature, and nurture causing this; it has to be a much bigger cultural and societal problem for it to effect every industry and profession so generally.
I was listening to the radio one day when I had an Ah-Ha moment. The lyrics to this song I was listening to went like this: kiss a little more, think a little less, get you out of this bar, get you out of that dress. These lyrics made me ask a question: are our young men being taught or sent a message that this kind of thinking is OK?
As I was pondering this thought, I remembered two separate instances that happened a few months apart. The first was sitting in the deli at the local grocery store in Salem, Utah. There was a group of high school boys, most dressed in Salem high school uniforms and clothes. They were talking about one specific girl, and some very specific comments were related to how many people she had kissed. and done other things with. The second was another group of high school aged boys in the hot tub at the Rec Center is Springville, Utah. They were talking about much the same thing, but were more explicit, talking about trouble this girl had gotten into, and had gotten other boys into.
This will surprise no one. High school aged boys are talking, dreaming, and fantasizing about sexual situations. That is neither good nor bad, it's biology. The problem is not that they are having these thoughts and talking about them. To try and stop this would be like trying to make the earth reverse its course in orbit. Where the problem lies in in a lack of direction and leadership.
A common sentiment that I hear expressed in the media and in reports is "boys will be boys", followed by "they'll grow out of it" The first is absolutely true, the second is patently false. Let me tell you why.
If the peer culture of any group of people says a particular behavior is acceptable, there is no impetus, drive, or discussion to change that culture. "Boys will be boys" left unchecked and unspoken about will lead to young men will be boys, will lead to men will be boys. What theses youth are taught during their formative years is that that kind of talk - sexually objectifying females, is acceptable. In the absence of contradicting information and teaching, this becomes the accepted norm.
What then happens once a person is seen as an object, or in this case, a young woman is seen as a sex object or plaything? They are treated that way in the form of sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, extramarital affairs. This boys will be boys mentality places our young men on the slippery slope that will lead, and has led to the inappropriate and unacceptable actions of those men listed above, and so many others.
We owe it to our wives and daughters, our friends and neighbors, to do what we can about this.
What can we do.
I believe like Mr. Katz, that this is a leadership issue. I believe that anyone involved with teaching, leading, mentoring, advising, or coaching youth and young men, need to step up and be leaders. I absolutely believe Mr. Katz is spot on - it's a leadership issue. And this leadership must come from men.
So much has been said about the #MeToo movement, and much of it negative. Too many times, when women speak up they are attacked, vilified, demonized, and not believed. Credit must be given to them for their courage and bravery.
But women are not going to change this persistent and pervasive boys will be boys locker room mentality, talk, and culture. Unfortunately, they do not have the clout and credibility in the male cultural realm to effect what is needed. Individual's mothers certainly can have that influence, but on a societal level, they won't have the same influence as men will.
I echo the clarion call of Jackson Katz. Men, stand up and be counted. I know that there are many of you that care, and care deeply about this. Every one of us with daughters cares about this, because none of us want our daughters to suffer gender violence, and to then have to face the sequelae associated with that.
When we as men stand up and speak out that this is not acceptable and this won't be tolerated any longer, the talk will change. When the peer culture stops being complicit in these acts of violence by condoning the vulgar and degrading and objectifying talk, gender violence will begin to be diminished.
What do I mean by complicit and condoning. Edmund Burke said "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Saying nothing sends the message that this is not a problem.
It is a problem, and every man out there needs to step up and speak out and put an end to our current culture that accepts this behavior. Teach our young men, so that when they become fathers, they will teach their sons that there is no place for objectifying females, speaking degradingly or vulgarly about them, and certainly not committing acts of violence against them. Teach them to respect all females as they would their own mothers and sisters. If we men had and kept the thought, how would I want someone to talk about and treat a family member of mine, gender violence would be dramatically reduced.
This is something we can have a tremendous impact with. Will you stand and be counted? Or will you let this evil continue?
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