Self sabotage Behaviors
When I was going through some pretty intensive therapy, one of the questions I was frequently asked by many people, in different settings, was how I could do the things I had done so frequently.
I grew up an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, served a mission, got married in the temple. I did all the right things, the things I expected myself to do. In hindsight, I am sure there was an element of I'm doing these things because I "should" do them, I admit.
Having acknowledged this, I wanted to do those things for myself, and not because of an expectation. I genuinely believed in those things; they were important to me. This is one reason therapy was such a long hard process. The things I believed in and the actions I took, were so at odds with each other; they were truly polar opposites. What explanation could exist to ever bridge the chasm between my beliefs and actions? It took a lot of time and work to answer that question.
I am not going to go into all the reasons here. To do so would be a book, not a post. I do, though, want to talk about one component of this. There have been several small studies, and articles written about those studies, about the brain's ability to block painful stimuli, like pain, fear, or anxiety, using strong emotions. It isn't known yet how this process happens, only that it does.
I believe there are several factors that allow this to happen. The first is simple brain chemistry. Whenever we participate in any activity that is causes pleasure, no matter how fleeting that pleasure is, the brain's pleasure/reward center releases a chemical called dopamine. This is the brain's "feel good" chemical. The primitive part of our brain doesn't care about the after effects or consequences of the behavior causing the dopamine release. It only cares about the dopamine getting released.
I can hear the question, and I asked it many times myself. What about our thoughts, and the higher brain that can think about consequences? Doesn't this part of the brain override the primitive reactive brain. While it certainly can, it doesn't always do that.
Why not?
First, the brain is designed to keep us safe from danger. The problem is, the brain can't distinguish real danger from perceived danger. The two are the same with respect to the chemicals, especially stress chemicals and hormones that are released. These hormones are potent activators of a whole host of negative feelings - fear, anger, anxiety to name a few. The brain does not like these and the way it makes us feel and act. To get rid of these feelings and sensations, the brain, being an efficient, energy conserving organ, seeks for the fastest ways to alleviate those negative feelings. The brain will look for the "path of least resistance" to have it's needs met. In other words, it looks for ways to have dopamine released, and it does this through the fast reacting primitive brain, the part responsible to keep us safe and alive, not the slower cognitive thinking brain. This is the second component, the brain is designed to operate efficiently.
Third is the idea of neural plasticity, which simply put is our brains learn. Once a course of action is put in motion that alleviates the negativity, dopamine gets released, and our brains learn. Now, when the next negative situation arises, the brain is even less likely to engage or listen to the cognitive brain, because a new nerve pathway in the brain has been created. Over time, and with repeated use, this pathway gets reinforced and strengthened. Our brains become conditioned, and literally "wired" or programmed, to respond that way, even if we know it is wrong, inappropriate, or harmful in the long term.
This is the process that we call the "slippery slope" As we travel further down that slope, why does the slope and velocity of travel down that pathway increase? Put a different way, why do we act in a progressively more inappropriate manner? Remember which part of the brain is more active? The primitive brain, not the thinking brain. We think less and less the longer we are on the slippery slope, and we react more and more. A second reason for this is it takes more and more stimulus to get the same feeling from the dopamine release. This is no different from an alcoholic or drug addict needing more and more drug to get the same effect, the same high. This is the primitive brain's goal, to achieve that relief from negativity, even if it's fleeting. The primitive brain is absolutely unconcerned about consequences.
This is the path of least resistance, which is why our brains so readily and effectively travel down this slope. It can seem frustratingly and depressingly easy to live our lives in this state, where we need more and more inappropriate, maladaptive behaviors to make us momentarily fell better, only to make us feel even worse in the longer term. This is a fourth factor that leads us further down that slippery slope.
It's not hard to imagine, at least for me, how easily our lives become unmanageable, how out of control we feel, and how easy it is for thoughts about suicide to begin creeping in. The longer in this cycle, or the further down the slippery slope we are, the more potential there is for suicide to begin to sound like it is a good option for negativity relief.
The good news is that we understand this process, the brain chemistry, the physiology. We understand much of the psychology of the brain that drives this. The best news is that this is something that can be overcome. We are not helpless or powerless in the face of all these things going on in our brains. It does take work. That work is work in every sense of the word. But doing that work is something every one of us is capable of.
You are not alone. We all go through this process, to one degree or another. We all at times feel our life is out of control and unmanageable. We all at times feel utterly alone. Help is there! In loved ones and friends. In facebook and instagram posts. In a loving Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. Sometimes professionals are needed as well. Whatever you need to begin the climb back up that slippery slope, take advantage of it. There is no shame in reaching out for help. This is what society teaches us, but it just IS NOT true. That idea came from one being, and one of his name's is the father of lies!
We can do it, we can overcome the primitive brain, and allow the higher thinking brain to take charge. It starts with awareness of what is happening. Then it becomes all about persistent effort to keep us moving in the right direction on that slippery slope. Yes it is true that the slippery slope metaphor is appropriate, because if we stop working and practicing, we are going to slide back down.
This seems overwhelming and daunting at times. Let me tell you the rest of the good news. The more you engage in this work, the better you feel and the easier the work gets. The rewards are so worth it. There is a freedom, a peace, a contentment that comes with doing this work!
I can promise you that!
The last thing I'll say is that every one of us needs this kind of work. Some may need it ore, some less, but no one is exempt. This is the key to living a life that is more extraordinary than you can imagine.
I grew up an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, served a mission, got married in the temple. I did all the right things, the things I expected myself to do. In hindsight, I am sure there was an element of I'm doing these things because I "should" do them, I admit.
Having acknowledged this, I wanted to do those things for myself, and not because of an expectation. I genuinely believed in those things; they were important to me. This is one reason therapy was such a long hard process. The things I believed in and the actions I took, were so at odds with each other; they were truly polar opposites. What explanation could exist to ever bridge the chasm between my beliefs and actions? It took a lot of time and work to answer that question.
I am not going to go into all the reasons here. To do so would be a book, not a post. I do, though, want to talk about one component of this. There have been several small studies, and articles written about those studies, about the brain's ability to block painful stimuli, like pain, fear, or anxiety, using strong emotions. It isn't known yet how this process happens, only that it does.
I believe there are several factors that allow this to happen. The first is simple brain chemistry. Whenever we participate in any activity that is causes pleasure, no matter how fleeting that pleasure is, the brain's pleasure/reward center releases a chemical called dopamine. This is the brain's "feel good" chemical. The primitive part of our brain doesn't care about the after effects or consequences of the behavior causing the dopamine release. It only cares about the dopamine getting released.
I can hear the question, and I asked it many times myself. What about our thoughts, and the higher brain that can think about consequences? Doesn't this part of the brain override the primitive reactive brain. While it certainly can, it doesn't always do that.
Why not?
First, the brain is designed to keep us safe from danger. The problem is, the brain can't distinguish real danger from perceived danger. The two are the same with respect to the chemicals, especially stress chemicals and hormones that are released. These hormones are potent activators of a whole host of negative feelings - fear, anger, anxiety to name a few. The brain does not like these and the way it makes us feel and act. To get rid of these feelings and sensations, the brain, being an efficient, energy conserving organ, seeks for the fastest ways to alleviate those negative feelings. The brain will look for the "path of least resistance" to have it's needs met. In other words, it looks for ways to have dopamine released, and it does this through the fast reacting primitive brain, the part responsible to keep us safe and alive, not the slower cognitive thinking brain. This is the second component, the brain is designed to operate efficiently.
Third is the idea of neural plasticity, which simply put is our brains learn. Once a course of action is put in motion that alleviates the negativity, dopamine gets released, and our brains learn. Now, when the next negative situation arises, the brain is even less likely to engage or listen to the cognitive brain, because a new nerve pathway in the brain has been created. Over time, and with repeated use, this pathway gets reinforced and strengthened. Our brains become conditioned, and literally "wired" or programmed, to respond that way, even if we know it is wrong, inappropriate, or harmful in the long term.
This is the process that we call the "slippery slope" As we travel further down that slope, why does the slope and velocity of travel down that pathway increase? Put a different way, why do we act in a progressively more inappropriate manner? Remember which part of the brain is more active? The primitive brain, not the thinking brain. We think less and less the longer we are on the slippery slope, and we react more and more. A second reason for this is it takes more and more stimulus to get the same feeling from the dopamine release. This is no different from an alcoholic or drug addict needing more and more drug to get the same effect, the same high. This is the primitive brain's goal, to achieve that relief from negativity, even if it's fleeting. The primitive brain is absolutely unconcerned about consequences.
This is the path of least resistance, which is why our brains so readily and effectively travel down this slope. It can seem frustratingly and depressingly easy to live our lives in this state, where we need more and more inappropriate, maladaptive behaviors to make us momentarily fell better, only to make us feel even worse in the longer term. This is a fourth factor that leads us further down that slippery slope.
It's not hard to imagine, at least for me, how easily our lives become unmanageable, how out of control we feel, and how easy it is for thoughts about suicide to begin creeping in. The longer in this cycle, or the further down the slippery slope we are, the more potential there is for suicide to begin to sound like it is a good option for negativity relief.
The good news is that we understand this process, the brain chemistry, the physiology. We understand much of the psychology of the brain that drives this. The best news is that this is something that can be overcome. We are not helpless or powerless in the face of all these things going on in our brains. It does take work. That work is work in every sense of the word. But doing that work is something every one of us is capable of.
You are not alone. We all go through this process, to one degree or another. We all at times feel our life is out of control and unmanageable. We all at times feel utterly alone. Help is there! In loved ones and friends. In facebook and instagram posts. In a loving Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. Sometimes professionals are needed as well. Whatever you need to begin the climb back up that slippery slope, take advantage of it. There is no shame in reaching out for help. This is what society teaches us, but it just IS NOT true. That idea came from one being, and one of his name's is the father of lies!
We can do it, we can overcome the primitive brain, and allow the higher thinking brain to take charge. It starts with awareness of what is happening. Then it becomes all about persistent effort to keep us moving in the right direction on that slippery slope. Yes it is true that the slippery slope metaphor is appropriate, because if we stop working and practicing, we are going to slide back down.
This seems overwhelming and daunting at times. Let me tell you the rest of the good news. The more you engage in this work, the better you feel and the easier the work gets. The rewards are so worth it. There is a freedom, a peace, a contentment that comes with doing this work!
I can promise you that!
The last thing I'll say is that every one of us needs this kind of work. Some may need it ore, some less, but no one is exempt. This is the key to living a life that is more extraordinary than you can imagine.
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