Excommunication

I have written about a few of the things that I have learned over the last several years. Things that have helped pull me out of some dark places. Things that quite literally have saved my life. But I have not yet written about what precipitated me needing to learn these things and go through the experiences I have had.

It's time I do so. 

My outward behaviors started while I was in Residency. I was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. While in the hospital, my nurse was one that I had quite a bit of contact with as she worked on the floor that had the majority of our patients. I had flirted with her quite a bit, and I took this further and we started kissing. This went on for several months.

I finished residency and moved to Utah, where I opened my own practice. Over the course of nearly ten years, I kissed two patients. The second patient reported me to the Licensing Board in Utah. When I met with the investigator, and later with the Board, they asked if there were any other inappropriate behaviors and I told them no. At this point, my license was placed on probation.

Nearly a year later, my wife found out about a much bigger darker picture. There indeed had been another patient I had kissed. There had also been an affair.

I now had to contact the Board and tell them the whole story and ask them what I needed to do to fix my mess. My license was suspended, and I went to Atlanta to have an evaluation to see if I could return to practice or not. In Atlanta, I was told that while they felt I did not have any deviant sexual behavioral issues, I did need some help and treatment before returning to practice. 

This led to an 11 week visit to an intensive outpatient treatment program, The Professional Renewal Center in Lawrence, Kansas. Here is where I learned the majority of the things I have talked and written about. At the end of my time there, I did receive a Fit for Duty letter to take back to Utah's Licensing Board.

The personal side of this ordeal was concerning my standing in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I had been a member my whole life, and knew, and was afraid of what would happen when leaders found out what I had done.

Repentance is a major tenet and teaching in the Church. The vast majority of the time, repentance is an individual process between you and the Savior. This is not the case when sexual sins are involved.

The first step when sexual sins are involved is to talk to the leader of the local congregation - the Bishop. If the sin is of a significant enough severity, such as with an affair, then it has to be reported to the next step above the Bishop, the Stake President.

When I went to talk with him, even after being in Kansas and all the things I had learned, and trying to own what I had done, I still didn't tell him the whole truth, I still tried to minimize the details. It wasn't until meeting with him a second time, before going before a Church disciplinary council, that I finally told him the extent of what I had done.

There are several options for discipline that can occur, the most serious of which is excommunication, where my name would be removed from the records of the Church, and I would no longer be a member of the Church, no longer be able to take the Sacrament, hold a calling, say prayers, anything.

This was the decision I received.

I want to talk about this process for a minute. 

Growing up, I always had a large amount of fear about repentance. This fear was specific to Church disciplinary courts and actions and excommunication. No one ever talks about this process. The leaders are very strict to keep everything confidential. Nothing of what is said and discussed leaves that room. People that go through that process often don't talk about it. There are a lot of unknowns, and to the brain, unknown equals fear and danger. There was a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety associated with going into this room for this Church disciplinary hearing.

Let me describe what it was like. There is a large table in the center of the room. At the head of the table is the Stake President and his two counselors. On the two long sides of the table sit six men on each side. Their responsibility is to make sure, as best they can that the individual, myself, is treated justly, that the facts are accurate, and that my "due process" is met and observed. The other six men do the same for the interests of the Church.

Growing up, all I knew is that all the details of the transgression would be discussed, and that I would be there, I thought, by myself facing these 15 men.

While I was there with these 15 men, I was not alone. My wonderful Bishop came in with me and sat with me through this experience. We sat off to the side.

Other than these details of who and how many people were present, my experience was nothing like what I had imagined it would be.

The first thing that was very evident was the love from these men. I had lived in this area for 12 years, and I knew most of them at least superficially. Several of them I knew very well. And while there were there to sit in judgement of me, and to ensure justice and mercy were both present as much as possible, there was no feeling of judgement from them. Love and concern, empathy and heartache for certain, but not judgement or condemnation. 

Because you never hear about Church disciplinary proceedings, unless the transgressing individual themselves report it or talk about it, I have no idea how frequently these happen or who has been involved in them. I always had thought that this was the only factor that no one talks about this, as well as the guilt, shame, anger, and all the other negative emotions associated with this kind of process.

I learned that there is a much more likely reason for no one ever talking about it. This was a beautiful, even sacred experience. It was handled with the utmost concern for me, my well-being, and for my family.

I have known the "steps" for repentance my whole life. But not until then did I come to feel the Savior's love for me in going through this significant a step. In a way that I don't have words to describe and express, I knew without a doubt that removing me from the Church was the best and most loving merciful action that could have been taken.

The hard part was then sitting in church every Sunday and not being able to participate like I always had. The even harder part was what would people think? What would they say? What would they think of me? I quickly cam to the conclusion that it didn't matter. I knew what had happened in that room, and what I felt. I learned that things I had been taught, and had taught myself were not just theories and good ideas. I learned and came to know to a small degree, the Savior and His love. I came to know about mercy satisfying the demands of justice through His Atonement. I cam e to know the gospel of Jesus Christ is real. I cam e to know in a way I never had before that this is His church, and He is at the head and he guides and directs it. I knew that even though this is a worldwide church that He knows and is aware of each and every one of us. I learned that He is anxiously waiting, even aching to reach out to all of us.

This isn't saying that this time was the most difficult time I have ever had in my life. But through this whole process, both from church leaders, and almost without exception from members, I felt nothing but love and support. Having said that, it was still one of the loneliest, most bitter agonizing periods I've ever had.

That's the reason I wanted to write this. We all know logically that we are not alone. But going through something as gut wrenching and traumatic as this, you can't help but feel alone. You can't help but feel guilt and especially shame. 

I want to share this and say you are not. There is someone there with you the whole time, the Savior. I am also someone who has gone through this process and am anxious to share your burdens and lighten your load if possible. I want to be a strength and support like so many were for me. I understand and can talk about things that only someone who has gone through or is going through, this process can know and feel.

You are not alone and you are loved.