The danger of should
As I have gotten more involved in life coaching thoughts and activities, I have come to see one thought come out more often than any other. The thought is "I should/shouldn't ..." I believe this thought, more than any other, causes us to become victims of shame and to feel unworthy, unlovable, and less than capable.
Our brains are very good at protecting us from harm and dangers that are real. The problem is, they can't discriminate between a real danger and a perceived danger. "Should" thinking, to the brain, is a perceived danger. When we start telling ourselves we should or should not do this or that, we are setting ourselves up for a physiologic danger response. This is one problem with this type of thinking.
Another problem is our brains trick us into thinking this kind of thinking is truth. We all have patterns of thinking that are not true. These patterns are called cognitive distortions. Our brains distort what is real, and tell us a message that is not true.
A third problem is this: who do we allow to decide what is right, best, or appropriate for us? Does someone else really know how we best take care of ourselves? Our children? How we think? How we go about our day to day activities? Of course not! What a ridiculous thought. Yet dozens, if not more, times a day, this is exactly what we do when we think "I should" Why should we? Who said that was the one way to do something? Can there not be more than one way to do or be or think?
A further problem is this idea of should carries the implication that we did something wrong. When we hear this message over and over "you did it wrong", in our brain, becomes "you are wrong, broken, flawed." This is the definition of shame, and is the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says I did something bad, while shame says I am bad. Guilt gives us a message that "oh, that way din't work out or wasn't helpful. I won't do that again. It is actually a message our brain gives us to help us learn from experience so we can grow and progress. Shame is the opposite. It tells us that we are broken and not capable of changing, so why bother trying.
We see an epidemic rise in depression, anxiety, and suicide. There are many reasons and factors for this. I believe one of those reasons is the shame that we all carry. It causes us to feel helpless, powerless, out of control. These are powerful emotions that paralyze us. How can we do thought work, or any other work, that allow us to improve and overcome, when we are drowning in a message of you are broken and flawed.
Try to catch yourself in this. See how often you are having these "should" thoughts. Once you become aware of these thoughts. see if you can replace them with something that is more positive. Even a simple change from should to could can have significant effects. I could have done this, but ...
The but can be anything. I didn't want to, I got distracted, I had to run another errand. I forgot I had this other thing. The list is endless. Changing away from should gives us permission to be human, to be flexible, and to be kind to ourselves. It allows us to be better able to see our inherent worth and potential. It helps us to rise when we fall. It helps us to dare greatly, even if we fail. It helps us to to be creative, vulnerable, curious, and creative.
The more we recognize and become aware of our should thinking patterns, the more able we are to choose a new thought. The more we are able to do this, the less the negative impact on our inner selves will be.
One last thought. I recently heard Kim Giles, from Clarity Life Coaching, give an acronym for shame that directly applies to should. S - should
H - have
A - already
M - mastered
E - everything
Is there any one of us that believes this. I doubt it. But there is where should leads us, without us ever realizing this is happening. Let's start changing this!
Our brains are very good at protecting us from harm and dangers that are real. The problem is, they can't discriminate between a real danger and a perceived danger. "Should" thinking, to the brain, is a perceived danger. When we start telling ourselves we should or should not do this or that, we are setting ourselves up for a physiologic danger response. This is one problem with this type of thinking.
Another problem is our brains trick us into thinking this kind of thinking is truth. We all have patterns of thinking that are not true. These patterns are called cognitive distortions. Our brains distort what is real, and tell us a message that is not true.
A third problem is this: who do we allow to decide what is right, best, or appropriate for us? Does someone else really know how we best take care of ourselves? Our children? How we think? How we go about our day to day activities? Of course not! What a ridiculous thought. Yet dozens, if not more, times a day, this is exactly what we do when we think "I should" Why should we? Who said that was the one way to do something? Can there not be more than one way to do or be or think?
A further problem is this idea of should carries the implication that we did something wrong. When we hear this message over and over "you did it wrong", in our brain, becomes "you are wrong, broken, flawed." This is the definition of shame, and is the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says I did something bad, while shame says I am bad. Guilt gives us a message that "oh, that way din't work out or wasn't helpful. I won't do that again. It is actually a message our brain gives us to help us learn from experience so we can grow and progress. Shame is the opposite. It tells us that we are broken and not capable of changing, so why bother trying.
We see an epidemic rise in depression, anxiety, and suicide. There are many reasons and factors for this. I believe one of those reasons is the shame that we all carry. It causes us to feel helpless, powerless, out of control. These are powerful emotions that paralyze us. How can we do thought work, or any other work, that allow us to improve and overcome, when we are drowning in a message of you are broken and flawed.
Try to catch yourself in this. See how often you are having these "should" thoughts. Once you become aware of these thoughts. see if you can replace them with something that is more positive. Even a simple change from should to could can have significant effects. I could have done this, but ...
The but can be anything. I didn't want to, I got distracted, I had to run another errand. I forgot I had this other thing. The list is endless. Changing away from should gives us permission to be human, to be flexible, and to be kind to ourselves. It allows us to be better able to see our inherent worth and potential. It helps us to rise when we fall. It helps us to dare greatly, even if we fail. It helps us to to be creative, vulnerable, curious, and creative.
The more we recognize and become aware of our should thinking patterns, the more able we are to choose a new thought. The more we are able to do this, the less the negative impact on our inner selves will be.
One last thought. I recently heard Kim Giles, from Clarity Life Coaching, give an acronym for shame that directly applies to should. S - should
H - have
A - already
M - mastered
E - everything
Is there any one of us that believes this. I doubt it. But there is where should leads us, without us ever realizing this is happening. Let's start changing this!
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